Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
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my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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