I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
