Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
