I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
