I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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