I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
