I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
