when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
