addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
