First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
