So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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