i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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