My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
