My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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