ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
