Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
