So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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