I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
