i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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