Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
