why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??