I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
