so that wasnt chicken after all
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
