Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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