Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
