Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
