my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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