atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
