i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
