i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
