I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
