You really coming over, don't trick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
