Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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