at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
