Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
