good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
A+ Viking dick
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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