I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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