i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
