Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
