No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
