Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
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Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
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YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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