I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
