Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize