:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
