Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
