im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Operation Purity has been aborted
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
