I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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