someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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