I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
