either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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