Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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