my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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