omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
