I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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