i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
